It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Good morning y’all ☀️
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.