Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”

“You mean Collider?”

“Oh shit!”

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

weird email i got today

For when Tinder doesn’t work

Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.