Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

The chart results are in…

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31