Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”

**Mom cries running out the room

Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire

Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

barbara was highly relatable

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time