Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

Huge, if true.

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.