Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAKING NEWS!!

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor