Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

it’s finally my moment to shine

The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.