It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
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*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”