It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’m ready to try another planet.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass