It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
my dog when i have a friend over
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
somebody come look at this
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…