It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby