It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
😂😂😂
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
No way!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.