It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
wtf management?!
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight