It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
You Might Also Like
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”