It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
any last words?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen