It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards