It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake