It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
When you’re here for the treats.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!