It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*