It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
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eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
taking June’s advice to heart
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*