Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree