“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
sweet dreams💖
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.