“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
…..pretty much.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”