“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two