It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
gm
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look