It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
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You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
not to brag, but mine was free
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.