It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.