Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER

6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

We like the way Dwight thinks

The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up