It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles