It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
*ernest hemingway voice*
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
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[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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