It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.