It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases