It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Unmatched
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
No way!
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My Sentiments Exactly
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck