It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You Might Also Like
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this