Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

them: what are you think-

me: FOOD

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo