It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
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Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.