@treydayway

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

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@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@Kyle_Lippert

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

@BillMc7

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk

@RuthAnnJoy

“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

@TheAlexNevil

*job interview
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I’ll call it Giselle.

@George_404

“Why’d you name me Carson, dad?”

You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It’s time for tablemeal.

@RadWizzy

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

@NicestHippo

Your hair turns white when you get old for evolutionary reasons. Predators leave you alone if they think you’re a wizard