@treydayway

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

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@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@rogermacginty

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

@envydatropic

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

@Moi_RaRa

Reasons Why us girls cry:

happy: 5%
sad: 5%

Who the hell knows!!: 90%

@Cpin42

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

@ServiceTech_

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

@VioricaMarian1

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.