It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.