@colesprouse

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

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@stevevsninjas

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”

@HatfieldAnne

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

@mattZillaaaa

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

@carlyaquilino

*lays in bed*
“Did I leave the oven on? When’s the last time I even baked anything? Like 6 months? I should probably still check to be sure”

@Rica_Bee

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ???? ???? ???? *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

@Angibangie

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

@lloydrang

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

@envydatropic

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

@RunwayDan

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.