It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
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Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
fired
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The glockness monster
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk