@colesprouse

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

- @colesprouse

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@DontTouchMyWine

I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

@TheMichaelRock

Of course every kiss begins with k. That’s how the English language works, stupid.

@3sunzzz

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

@avainwordland

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

@FSUSteve

My iPhone just autocorrected the word nigga to NIGGA, like whoa iPhone.

You can’t just go around yelling the N word. Jesus.

@IntrovertSquad

Friend: wanna hang out tomorrow?

Me: I actually performed an activity yesterday. Please wait the three day recovery period to submit another inquiry.

@kumailn

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver’s eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

@FredTaming

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long