It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London