It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Not today. 😅
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Fun Things
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked