It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave