It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
jesus, what did this guy do
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no