Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Care for your back

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

[Central Park]

Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter

Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

who’s gonna tell her?

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent