Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
That 👊
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
This chloroform smells expensiv…
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Ok cat haters, explain this…
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts