Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
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Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”