It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.