It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
This was the best day of my life
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat