It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.