IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
You Might Also Like
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.