IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.