Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

i think we should see other cousins

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Lmfao

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.