IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Potatoes were such a good idea
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no