Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

Yes 😂

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…