It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.