It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
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It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right