Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

We found love in a hopeless place.

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?

Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.

Me: *looks warily at our kids*

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.