Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

A Short Story.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

True?

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it