It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
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[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.