It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
You Might Also Like
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
*serious situation*
My brain:
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.