It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.
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Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.