It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
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The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.