It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.