Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Sorry I called you an imbecile.

I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

I once made a mistake with plurals.

It was an amazing feet.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.

Is that cheesecake?

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her