It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
