It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.