Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

everyone: “you changed”

the climate: i know 😞

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.