Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.