It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Voting is the worst group project
bury ourselves
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
