It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
You Might Also Like
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.