Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.