it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
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I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis