it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
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*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.