“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
first you must answer his riddles
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Great acting.. 😂
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
my fav colour is also hitler
