“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
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A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Come back with a warrant
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Did…did a minotaur write this
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
how it started vs how it ended
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.