Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.