It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
You are not alone 💚
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.