It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I will never stop laughing at this
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.