“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
You Might Also Like
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
We need more people like this.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier