it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Does this dress make me look cat?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
thoughts?
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.