it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Just a phase…
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Ha
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
not to brag, but mine was free
