it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying