Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone’s a critic

An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

oh she’s cooked

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.