Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

forgive me baja for i have blast

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*

“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.